Speak to your doctor about contraception options right for you:
An intrauterine device (IUD) is the hottest holiday gift for those ladies who are interested in birth control that will outlast the next administration. Depending on the type, IUDs can offer between three to twelve years of protection against unwanted pregnancy. An IUD is a small t-shaped piece of plastic that is inserted in the uterus to prevent eggs from becoming fertilized. There are both hormonal and non-hormonal options. And in the case of a miracle presidential vote recount or a spontaneous move to Canada, IUDs can be removed at any time.
An implant is the perfect gift for the woman who doesn’t need another pair of small hands in her life right now. The implant is a small rod that’s inserted in the arm and prevents pregnancy for up to four years through the release of the hormone progestin. It’s invisible to the world, just like Donald Trump’s tax returns.
Another hot gift this season is the ring*. For the woman who grabs life by the pussy, the ring is a small, bendable ring that gets inserted into her lady box. It stays in for three weeks at a time, and is removed on the fourth week. The ring emits hormones that prevent her ovaries from releasing eggs, so that she can focus on releasing her inner badass to the world.
*Every time a woman gets a ring, an angel gets its wings
An oldie but goodie, the pill is another great holiday gift for the nasty woman in your life. It works by releasing hormones, and even comes in fun monthly combination gift packs. The election results may have been a bitter pill to swallow, but this form of birth control won’t be.
Condoms are the perfect stocking stuffers for those who will be receiving guests this holiday season. Male condoms slip over the penis to prevent pregnancy and lower the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Female condoms get inserted into the vagina, but work the same way. Add lube to make this gift extra special!
Emergency contraception makes a great last minute gift when you need it. There are four types of EC pills to choose from and they all work up to 5 days after unprotected sex. Because EC can affect different bodies in different ways, it is important to do research before making a decision—note to America.
For the woman who is worried about not being able to afford birth control come January, a calendar for fertility planning makes a great gift. While not the most effective option, tracking fertility can help avoid pregnancy if other contraception methods are not easily available. She can also use a calendar to plan for upcoming events like the impending apocalypse.
Female sterilization is a great gift for those women in your life who have completely given up on humanity. Sterilization is a procedure that closes or blocks the fallopian tubes, ensuring she will never get pregnant and bring an innocent human life into this cruel, cruel world.